"I purchased this shirt because I love America, bald eagles, and mullets. However, unbeknownst to me, when I put it on I mentally transform into a robosoldier capable of bringing security and justice to those in need. I feel the need to help the elderly and read to small children. Physically, my chest hair immediately extends into a luscious mane that women can't resist and my veins pump with victory juice. I'll be purchasing more of these high quality made in America freedom threads."